sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
