Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
