I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
there is puke in my bra ... again
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