Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
