O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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