Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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