Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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