Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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