its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
