Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
