I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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