ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
