You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
