No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
