DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
