you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
