I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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