That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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