my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
