my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
