Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
