My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
