just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
