nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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