You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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