Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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