A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
barbara walters just said penis...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I don't deserve a penis
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
