The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
