OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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