I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
