dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
