allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
