I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
