at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
