If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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