She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
