Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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