I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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