I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
