I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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