I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
