I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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