Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
