I wish I could punch you in the face.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
