I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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