so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
