I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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