Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
