I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
