i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Randomize
