Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She swung at the pinata with crutches
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
